If you’re one half of a divorced or separated couple with children then there’s no escaping the fact that Christmas can be a particularly difficult time of year. Making Christmas plans can be complex enough at the best of times, but with two parents living in different places- sometimes with additional new family arrangements to consider as well – it can become even trickier. The good news is that Higgins Miller are experts in the field of family law. As well as handling divorce cases and children disputes we are happy to advice clients post- divorce on dealing with difficult, often sensitive issues such as Christmas plans. As well as
having the experience needed to help ex-partners to broker Christmas plans they can both agree on, we have the legal expertise required to explain exactly how any existing child care agreements need to be factored in.
The first piece of advice we would offer in regard to Christmas plans is that it is never too early to start making them. The later you leave it, the more likely it is that other aspects of the Christmas break have already been firmly decided, making it difficult for the parties involved to be truly flexible when it comes to negotiating Christmas plans. Last minute negotiations are also more likely to become tense and antagonistic, which is not only unpleasant for the parents concerned but will also lead to uncertainty for the children. We know from experience that, despite their differences, divorced couples usually want what is best for their children, and the earliest possible start on drawing up Christmas plans is more likely to create a positive outcome once the day itself arrives.
Another key tip is for parents to draw up Christmas plans in a manner which is calm, fair and open minded. Factors such as the age of the children and how far apart the divorced or separated parents now live could have a huge bearing on the final Christmas plans. If you live close together and have fairly young children, for example, then your Christmas plans might involve them spending Christmas Eve and morning with one parent and then travelling to the other parent for Christmas afternoon and dinner. If the parties live a greater distance from each other, then an arrangement like this will be less feasible, however (especially since it will result in the children spending a large part of their Christmas day sitting in a car), so a suitable compromise might be for the children to spend the entirety of Christmas day with a different parent on alternate years. In some cases the divorce or seperation itself may have been so acrimonious that the two parents no longer actually want to meet up with each other. This makes drawing up Christmas plans more difficult, of course, but not impossible, as it could simply meaning asking a third party – such as a family member trusted by both parents – to help with transitioning the children from one household to the other. Putting the feelings and experience of your children at the heart of your Christmas plans is imperative, and if they are old enough you should ask them how they would prefer to spend Christmas. You may discover, for example, that they don’t like being ferried between parents on Christmas day and would rather spend Christmas day with one parent before enjoying a ‘second’ Christmas day with the other parent on Boxing Day. Having taken on board what your children say you should try to incorporate it into your Christmas plans, or at least use it as a basis for discussion when agreeing those plans.
Having decided what your Christmas plans will be you should communicate this decision clearly and openly to your children. Try to describe the Christmas plans in the most positive manner possible – i.e. playing up the ‘two Christmases’ angle for younger children’ –particularly if this is the first Christmas following a divorce or separation.
One thing we would particularly advise is that any discussions between parents on the topic of Christmas plans take place away from either family home and definitely don’t happen in front of the children. Hearing you disagree or argue could be distressing, particularly if they feel, however wrongly, that they are somehow to blame for the argument.
There are, of course, some circumstances in which it is not advisable for Christmas plans to include children seeing a parent – namely if the divorce or separation came about as the result of problems such as domestic abuse. In cases such as these the safety of the children should be placed front and centre of any Christmas plans, rather than any attempt to ‘placate’ an ex-partner.
Once the Christmas plans have been agreed it would be useful to set them out in writing. This wouldn’t carry the weight of a legal document, but it would provide peace of mind for both parents, as well as being something to refer to if any disputes arise nearer the time. If an existing Child Arrangement order is in place then any Christmas plans agreed to will have to stick to that plan. If it already contains provision for the Christmas period then these must be followed. If not, then the guidelines set out in the Order relating to certain days should be followed, or you can work with the experts at Higgins Miller to draw up a legally binding variation to the order.
If it is at all possible you should try to stick 100% to the Christmas plans you have agreed. Clearly some flexibility will be needed in the case of disruption caused by illness or other external issues, but acting in a way which does not adhere to the Christmas plans will cause tension and create a stressful experience for the children involved. If you find it impossible to agree Christmas plans between you then consider alternative methods of resolving the dispute – such as family mediation – rather than rushing to court. A neutral third party may be able to guide you toward a mutual agreement in a manner which is much less stressful and costly than a court appearance.
If you’d like to find out more about making Christmas plans post-breakup please call us on 0161 429 7251 or email us at [email protected]. We’ve recently passed our Cyber Essential accreditation, something which demonstrates our forward-thinking attitude and determination to remain ahead of the competition. The first 20-minute appraisal is provided free of charge, and we’ll give you the first appointment for a fixed fee, so you don’t have to worry about how much our advice is going to cost. If you want to explore our wider charging system then please take a look here.
